Happy Birthday… The contemplation of getting older

I turned 27 last Thursday (May 17th). Hooray for me! It simply amazes me how far I have come in what seemed like the blink of an eye. I feel like a child in so many ways still, but the experiences I have been subject to have caused me to grow up too quickly in others. Sometimes I wish I could take back mean things I have said to people, I want to be a more caring person. It is hard for me since I look around this place I live in and see so much insincerity and laziness. I don’t want to be part of this society that I have been living in to for so long, everyday I feel it trying to suck a little piece of me away… I just want to find peace and happiness and quietness somewhere. I think that may be soon though, I hope. Turning 27 doesn’t feel any different, I feel the same as I did when I turned 17.

One of my friends asked my mother a question the other day, which she shared with me shortly after, it was: “why haven’t your children gotten married and had children of their own yet?” she smiled and simply replied “because they are smart, and enjoying the freedom to travel and see the world and find themselves first.”

For so long I have said that I lack the desire to have children or marry, and I used to think it was more about my selfishness and vanity, the reason that is. But truthfully I think it is deeper than that, I look around me at the society that people have created and think “why would I want to subject another living being to that? Especially without them being able to have a choice in the matter.” I also think it is because I look at people that I’ve dated or been involved with and couldn’t possibly imagine having offspring with them for one reason or another, but mostly it was things like stupidity, physical defects, and family history of random diseases. If I were to have childrean I would want them to have the best chance possible at being amazing human beings.

I feel this aching inside me to leave this place, thankfully that will be finally happening in 40 days! Everyday I wake up and go to work and mimick those around me and get through my day. I feel like a robot. I can’t wait to taste the freedom of not having to do those things anymore, to grow things and build things and breath the fresh air around me. Working somewhere I am required to socialize is very trying on me. My friend posed a rhetorical question to me today “You really don’t like being social do you?” and I laughed and replied ” you know me so well!” I have been pretending to be a socialite for so long because it was the only way I thought I would be accepted, but I’ve finally made the decision that I no longer care if I am accepted, I am not going to sacrifice my happiness. Happiness to me is laying under a tree reading a book in the forest or in an empty field, or just laying in the sunshine napping while the rays warm my skin, listening to the quiet sounds of nature around me at night while laying under a vast sky of white twinkling stars. Can I find this place some day? Goodnite.


  1. -jC-

    Now I understand a lot of things. Your Quest ended/started with finding Jamie.
    I wish you Well with your soon to be born child.
    And I also wish you well in the Future, Jamie will be a good father, and teach your children well.
    I will introduce myself later.


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